Working the Crowd

When I moved to San Francisco to start a new marketing job in the cosmetics industry, I really wanted to make friends with the younger people in my department. I tried to get to know the girls who worked in the cubes around me, but they were such a tight-knit group that I thought I was back in high school. Every time I'd ask one of them to go to lunch, she would come up with some excuse, and then later I would see her leaving with one of our other colleagues. Then one day, I saw the girl next to me thumbing through a bridal magazine. I walked up to her and asked her about her wedding. She was more than happy to talk about it, and when I told her I was from St. Louis (where she was getting married), she couldn't stop asking me questions.

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Preeti, 24, California

Imagine being stranded on a desert island with your coworkers. Scary, huh? But when you think about it, you spend just as much time with them at work as you would if you were all breaking coconuts over your knees in the South Pacific. Therefore, if you want to enjoy your job, it's in your best interest to make friends with some of these folks. Work friends will be there when you want to grab a bite at the restaurant down the block or take a quick turn on the treadmill at the gym. They'll be there when you need to commiserate about a project or vent about a new company policy. They may even be around when your world changes forever, such as when my colleagues and I watched the September 11 terrorist attack on the World Trade Center. Work friendships make the corporate world bearable, and you shouldn't try to make do without them.

The ideal time to scout out potential work friendships is at the start of a new job. When your boss introduces you to the other members of your team, make a note of people your age who look friendly. Take them up on their offers to help you. Maybe you already know how to order business cards, but there's no harm in finding an excuse to talk to your new coworkers. If someone asks you to get a cup of coffee, go gladly, but don't jump at the chance for a friend so quickly that you end up spending all of your time with one particular person. Because you're unfamiliar with people's allegiances, you need to avoid aligning yourself with a single colleague or group of colleagues. In your first month, you should aim to know a little about a lot of people rather than the other way around.

Once you're established in the department, make an effort to get to know potential work friends personally. This can be intimidating and even somewhat difficult if your office is full of cliques. It's possible that a group of your coworkers will go out to happy hour and leave you sitting at your desk feeling like the new kid in third grade all over again. The only way to break through work social groups is by one person at a time. Zero in on the most approachable person in the group, find out what interests him, and then weave these things into a conversation. For example, if you see that your next-door neighbor has a Nerf basketball net in his cube, you might ask him if he caught the Final Four game last night. People love to talk about themselves, so encourage potential friends to tell you about their lives. Listen to what they say, and talk about yourself only if asked. Doing someone a favor is also a good friend-making strategy. Suppose one of your teammates is frantically looking for a last-minute pet sitter while she goes out of town on business. If you live in her neighborhood, graciously offer to feed her cats. Your teammate won't forget this act of goodwill, and will be likely to view you favorably in the future.

Sometimes team members will be nonresponsive to your gestures of friendship. Don't take it personally. Your department's culture might encourage people to keep to themselves, or you and your coworkers might not have much in common. If this is the case, expand your search to the rest of the company. Perhaps you should get to know the girl from accounting a little better. What about that guy who always rides the elevator with you in the morning?

In addition, check with human resources to see if your company sponsors out-of-office activities, such as sports teams, travel clubs, or volunteer and charity initiatives that allow you to express your sense of social responsibility. Sign up for “extracurriculars” that catch your eye and commit to attend events. Once you're there, find someone you know, and ask him to introduce you around. Remember, like everything in the corporate world, new work friendships require follow-up. When you meet someone interesting, think of an excuse to drop him an e-mail afterwards. You'll remind him who you are and encourage him to make contact again.

A word on dating in the corporate world: Don't go out with someone in your company unless you can handle seeing that person every day if the relationship doesn't work out. Definitely avoid dating your boss or anyone on your immediate team. Even if you end up marrying that person, it won't be worth the career complications. The best idea? Get your colleagues to introduce you to their single friends!

Work Friends vs. Real Friends

I will never forget it. I was standing on the corner of 43rd Street and Broadway in New York City with my coworker Laura. Laura and I had been through a lot together in the year we had worked on the same public relations account team. We had coped with ego-obsessed executives and unreasonable clients, and we had implemented innovative and creative ideas neither of us knew we had in us. Nearly every day, Laura and I had lunch together to dish about our projects and the latest goings-on in our personal lives.

Standing on the corner, I said to Laura, “I'm so glad you're one of my closest friends.”

She looked at me strangely. “Alex,” she said. “There's a difference between close friends and people you talk to at work. You know that, right?”

Laura's response may have been a little harsh, but it taught me an important lesson about work friends vs. real friends: It's easy to mistake one for the other, especially when you're struggling to establish a social life. In school, making friends is as simple as walking over to the dorm room next door and plopping down on the bed. After college, however, there are no such opportunities. Because you might be too busy to go out and meet new people, the tendency is to target your coworkers. It makes sense. After all, they might be the only people you know that are your age, and you see them for eight hours every day.

While many people use work as a springboard for building strong friendships outside the office, I wouldn't assume your colleagues are your new best friends just because you take your coffee breaks together. Laura was right—there are differences between close friends who will be there for you through life's tough times and people you hang out with while you happen to be stuck in the same building. You can spare yourself disappointment later on by noting the differences between a work friend and a real friend. Here are some questions to ask yourself:

• • If your friend left the company, would you still be in touch with her in a year?
• • If you had a personal emergency, would you consider asking your friend for help?
• • Do you hang out with your friend outside the office? (Weekday lunch, happy hour, and business trips don't count.)
• • Have you met your friend's significant other? What about her friends outside the office?
• • If your friend received the promotion you were banking on, would you be genuinely happy for her?
• • If you ran into your friend in the grocery store, would you be able to talk to her for 10 minutes without mentioning work?
• • Have you seen where your friend lives?
• • Do you and your friend have anything in common besides your age and your job?

If you answered yes to most of these questions, you might have found yourself a real friend at work. Take care of this relationship by making a concerted effort to spend time with your friend outside the office. You and your friend should also avoid working together too closely. Like living with close friends, being in business with them can sometimes be disastrous. Whether we like it or not, people can behave differently when money, power, and careers are at stake. Suppose you and your friend pair up for a high-profile, new business project. Your friend could be the kindest, most generous person in the world after quitting time, but she might take all the credit and do none of the work in the office. You don't want to put yourself in a situation where you must choose between your friendship and your career.

If you're lucky, someone you meet at work could turn into a friend for life. It happened to me. My friend Kathryn and I started our PR careers in the same department many moons ago, and she later was the maid of honor in my wedding!

On the Outside

A few years ago, I was working for a dot-com. My younger coworkers smoked pot a lot, and I knew they thought I had a pole up the you-know-what for always turning them down. I really wanted to get along with them, so one night while we were away at a conference, I got high with them in a hotel room. I thought there was no way our boss would find out, but somehow she did. She told me she expected more of me as a senior manager. I was lucky I didn't get fired.

Kim, 29, Washington

Happy hour, team lunches, holiday parties, you name it—there are plenty of opportunities to socialize in the corporate world. Partaking in these outings gets you out of sterile “Cube City” and allows you to pretend you actually have a life. The thought of free food alone is enough to put you in a good mood. So by all means, go to these events and have a blast. Just keep a couple of things in the back of your mind.

It's tempting to let loose with your colleagues, especially when you're out of the office. However, you should never let alcohol (or drugs) get the best of you. Remember how your college roommate said you were the biggest blabbermouth on campus after you'd had a few? Just think of what you might have to say about your job, your boss, and your coworkers if you get smashed with them. When your boss waves his corporate credit card, it's easy to get caught up in the excitement of free rounds on the company, so you should prepare for this situation in advance.

A few hours before you go out to the restaurant or bar, eat a hefty meal and drink plenty of water. Once you're there, do not get drunk. It's tough enough to maintain your corporate persona when you're perfectly sober, but when alcohol steals your inhibition, you might find yourself saying and doing things you'd ordinarily consider big no-no's. I'm not going to say you can't consume alcohol, because we're all adults. In fact, if you repeatedly shun drinking in your colleagues’ company, you might be perceived as weird or a loser. The key is to find the middle ground. No matter how much peer pressure comes your way, you should stick to one drink (two if you have a high tolerance). Pretend it's Pepto-Bismol, sip it super slow, and it will last the whole evening. Take heart—you can still party with the best of them, just save it for your best friend's tapas party or your Friday night poker game.

The good news is that drinking is not typically the focus when the boss takes the team out for lunch. The bad news is that you have to watch more closely what you say and do, because people are actually paying attention. When the group arrives at the restaurant, don't sit next to your manager at the big table. You'll look like a brownnoser to your coworkers. Plus, if conversations split off, guess who you'll be stuck talking to? Also, don't be the first one to order. Note whether your colleagues are ordering drinks and the price of their entrées, and then follow suit with a selection that is perfectly in line with what everyone else is having. And roll your eyes if you must, but I have to put it out there: Watch the table manners. Remember the dating rules your mother told you when you were getting dressed for your prom? Avoid talking while you're chewing, don't fix your hair at the table, and don't order anything you have to eat with your hands or is a stain waiting to happen. If the group is sharing dishes, don't hog, and put your Blackberry and cell phone away. Eating out with the team is different than eating out with your friends. Relax, tell jokes, have fun—but don't forget that business is business, and you're still on the clock.

And finally, there comes a time each year when the corporate world becomes a symbol of cheesy sentiment and material excess. Yes, it's the holiday season. And while your coworkers are turning your floor into a red and green monstrosity, and the mailroom guys are lugging a 10-foot-tall menorah into the lobby, you are probably deciding whether to go to the company's annual holiday party. For the sake of your career, you should make an appearance. And because your company is going to spend your raise on a dancing Christmas tree whether you enjoy it or not, you might as well make the best of the situation. Mind your corporate persona, and dress appropriately for the occasion. If you're allowed to bring a date, treat someone you love (or someone you owe a favor) to a catered meal. If not, use the opportunity to get some face time with higher-ups you wouldn't get to meet otherwise.

Your department might also have its own party. Relax—these are fun! Spare yourself stress by finding out in advance about the company policy on giving gifts. Hopefully, your department favors the grab bag—a convention in which each person in the group puts one small wrapped gift in the pool, and then leaves with someone else's even smaller wrapped gift. If you're supposed to shop for your entire group, however, keep your gifts thoughtful albeit slightly impersonal. You're not required to give your boss anything, but it is a nice gesture. You should always buy the group admin something as a token of your appreciation for all of her help during the year. Departmental holiday parties often have a potluck component as well. Don't panic while your coworkers are competing to see who can cook the best holiday fare. Go to the grocery store and buy a $2 package of Duncan Hines chocolate chip cookie mix, spend 10 minutes baking the stuff, and pass the goodies off as homemade at the party. I guarantee your colleagues will say your cookies are the best they've ever tasted.

Conversation Taboos

When we're in our 20s, the tendency is to believe that the world revolves around us. In the corporate world, this attitude can lead to paranoia. Suddenly, you're afraid to talk to anyone lest he stab you in the back or underhandedly steal your promotion. Understand, though, that your colleagues are too busy with their own agendas most of the time to worry about getting you in trouble. So instead of staying up all night worrying whether or not your cagey workmate is going to spread rumors about you, follow these simple work conversation rules and rest easy:

1. Don't spread gossip. This one is first because it's the toughest to avoid. Dishing the dirt at work is fun, especially if you're bored. Listen all you want, but refrain from contributing to conversations that could compromise someone's reputation. Damaging stories spread like a conflagration, and being nailed as the source can be a career killer.
2. Don't swear. Nothing taints your corporate persona as much as foul language. There are people all over the business world who spew curse words, and maybe your boss is one of them. If you're tempted to join in, remember where the phrase “potty mouth” came from. In the corporate world, you don't want to look or smell like you were anywhere near the potty, so don't sound like it either.
3. Don't be politically incorrect. Just because we all crack up when Saturday Night Live makes fun of PC in the workplace doesn't mean we shouldn't take it seriously on Monday morning. Realize that people are ultrasensitive about issues of political correctness and that, as far as work is concerned, you should have no opinions. If you've noticed certain stereotypes to be true, keep your observations to yourself, and make sure to steer clear of racist or sexist jokes.
4. Don't talk about sex, drugs, or politics. I don't care how liberal your office is or how convinced you are that your colleagues will understand your point of view, if you wouldn't discuss it with your grandmother or your religious leader, mum's the word in the corporate world.
5. Mind cultural sensitivities. If you know you're going to be working in a foreign country or interacting regularly with people of varying nationalities, read up on the business customs and social etiquette in those regions so that you behave appropriately. For example, countries have different practices regarding giving gifts, asking personal questions, and standing in close physical proximity. Don't assume that people understand slang just because they speak English, and never badmouth a country you're working in or the culture or practices of foreign colleagues.
6. Don't share secrets. Really need to keep a secret? Don't tell anyone. If you need to preface a statement with “promise you won't tell a soul” or “don't tell anyone I said this,” you shouldn't be saying it. The only people you can trust with secrets at work are the folks who fall into the “real friend” category we talked about earlier, and even then you should be wary. Think about it: Would you trust each friend in your close-knit college clan with a secret that could ruin your reputation if it got out? Exactly. If you absolutely must tell someone you're looking for a new job, for example, call your mom.